Azathoth CYOA Resurrect – Part 4

“Let’s get that Gravitas fellow…” you say.

“Just give us a finger snap, sir,” Conroe replies. “And he’ll be isekai’d across time and space to right here.”

You clear your throat and ready your fingers. This always makes you feel weird, like you are messing with the multiverse and you might wake up to discover this was all a dream. But…meh. Time is limited. This isn’t like taking a man from earth and hitting him with a shota cannon, where you can just fly about willy nilly. This needs to be done quickly. You snap your fingers, and a second later the doorbell rings.

“That will be them. They’ve been briefed,” Conroe says. “Nyarlathotep made them a video.”

“Good old Nyarl. See them in,” you reply, a little nervous to be meeting such a great actor and restauranteur.

Conroe returns with what you think is a litter with a large man in it. But there is no litter, you realize to your amazement, it is all one gloriously overweight man.

The corpulent bearded man is led to you, supported by a phalanx of mushroom lolis. One poor mushroom loli must support his large stomach, and her knees buckle as she says unflattering things in FungusSpeak. For his part, the Gravitas Mind looks a mixture of intoxicated on shitty box wine and bloated from guzzling pesto sauce. But my God, this man has Gravitas, you can tell. This is a learned and worldly man, not a cunt like that bitch the GraveMind. You smile. It was a good decision bringing him here.

Conroe regards the newcomers with folded arms as the procession nears you. One of the lolis attempts to begin infecting your staff, and your Arch Vile butler summons down a pointedly nonlethal flame on her, singeing her butt and forcing her back with the other mushroom lolis.

“MWAAAAH THE BLIND IDIOT GOD…” the Gravitas Mind intones as he hails you from twenty paces away. Conroe faceplams. You aren’t sure who he is referring to. You start to get confused, and when that happens you start to think questions like: What is Godhood? What is a dream? Are you…? Your train of thought is interrupted as you see the Gravitas Mind nearly collapse from sharp loli elbows to the stomach.

“Ow! I-hey! Ow! I forgot!” He says defensively as he dodges elbows ( or attempts to). He wobbles unsteadily on his feet. “You are such pests, this is mutiny!”

The fat drunken man clears his throat. “MWAAAAH THE DAEMON SULTAN,” the GravitasMind starts again. That’s much better, you think to yourself with a smile. He grasps your hand and kisses your gnarled ring of power. “We are honored that you have summoned us to help with your night of amore.”

“So, can you help me arrange a menu?” You say.

He stares at you, glassy eyed, his eyes slowly shutting as if he is drifting off to sleep. A delighted grin crosses your face. This man is an even bigger mess than you are. He lets out a loud snore. One of the lolis delivers a precision kick to his shin, rousing him from sleep. “Unph! Enough, you spiteful midgets! I’m awake!”

There is angry chittering from the mushroom lolis.

“I was getting to that. Don’t correct me,” he chides. He turns back to you. “We already have something in mind…” He turns back to one of his loli attendants and pulls out a placard.

You look at it and smile. It is a menu, and a damned good one.

“Oh this is perfect..” you say as you read the menu. “Fettucine Alfredo…is that fresh?”

“The Alfredos were caught this morning,” The GravitasMind says.

“Calzoni…oooh, you have them battle?” You ask, reading further down. “Papal States theme?”

“Yes. It’s more of a late Renaissance thing, really. Pike and shot formations. The spectacle tends to make them more enjoyable, and I find a limb blown off by a cannonball or musket tastes better,” the GravitasMind says. “Now these are done with tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese…”

“Well, I’m already sold, Emily will love this,” you say.

“She would, but I take it tonight you want to…close the deal?” He asks. He leans in, and winks his glassy eye.

“Is there some special ambrosia I can get to entice my astral waifu?” You ask.

The GravitasMind smiles at you, slowly, and pulls a paper from his pocket. He reads: “We know of a flying Pyramid where King Piett lives. Every night he makes the finest Bear Stew in the decorative universe for his darling hellwaifu, the famed Barkonnen recipe…” he squints at his paper and turns back to the lolis. “This is shit…it makes it sound like he’s married to the recipe.”

A mushroom loli tugs on his shirt. He looks down to her. “What? What is it you want?”

She chitters at him.

“BUT YOU CAN’T EMPHASIZE BEAR! IT’S NOT POSSIBLE IN ENGLISH!” He says, almost a plea. He folds the paper and hits her in the head with it, leading to a slapfight between a fat man and mushroom loli that even you find surreal.

“So you think I should get this King Piett fellow? Just Isekai him here to cook a Bear Stew?” You ask over the sound of mushroom loli hand hitting a stomach. You put a hand to your temple. “I’ll need to take his hellwaifu here, too…”

The Gravitas Mind smiles. “He is an excellent cook. And she can aide him in his task,” he says.

You feel a buzzing in your pocket. You fish out your invisible phone and squint at the caller ID. It says NYARLATHOTEP.

“Huh, wonder why Nyarl is calling me…” you ponder, hitting mute.

“Probably nothing important, oh great Daemon Sultan…” the GravitasMind says. He grins, and it almost appears sinister and daemonic. “Now…shall you summon Firmus Piett here?”

“Well, I actually think that-” you pause as another vibration occurs in your chest. Nyarl’s frantically trying to reach you. It might be important.

Do you want to take Nyarl’s call?



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4 thoughts on “Azathoth CYOA Resurrect – Part 4

  1. The man has gravitas and deserves your attention, but… that being said, Nyarl is a friend and ignoring a friend is gay. Plus you’re a fucking sultan of some sort, and you must establish your place above this gravitas man. Hear what your buddy has to talk about.

    Liked by 1 person

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