It was Friday, and another work week was done. I locked my computer and stood, putting on my jacket. Date night was here, and I sighed wistfully.
I looked over the cubicle wall at Marv, my supervisor, who was just zipping up his laptop in his carrying case for his trip home. “Are you sure there isn’t anything you need?” I asked.
“We’re done, dude. The bird has squawked, and it’s time for Fred Flintstone to slide down the dinosaur’s tail,” Marv said. “And it’s Date Night! Best night of the week!”
I sighed. “I guess I need to go home, then,” I said grimly. “And get ready for…the date.”
“Hey, what’s up with you?” Marv asked. “We all have waifus now! The promised land has come! I mean, we have to do this dumb dating period, but don’t you want your waifu?”
“Well…not exactly,” I said. “I mean, I’m happy for all you guys, but…”
“But what? I met Julia. She’s nice.”
“Oh I know. She’s sweet as candy. But all Monster Girls are nice…” I said. “It’s just that Julia’s…look, it’s gonna sound awful…”
Marv folded his arms. “What?” He asked.
“She’s a Tentacle, Marv,” I said.
“So what?” Marv asked. “What’s the problem?”
“Do you remember when we browsed imageboards praying for waifus, Marv?”
“Oh God, yes,” he said, opening his eyes wide. “Every night I’d take out my pistol and look at it…it was great when Day of the Rape happened, and the new mamono government assigned us all waifus according to the Sorting Hat.”
“Great? It’s total bullshit,” I snapped. “Of all the devices to pick a waifu…”
Marv looked at me as if I had said puppies belong in hell. “W-what? It’s been the best thing ever! I mean, the Sorting Hat is kinda of dorky, but he makes good choices…”
“Does he?” I asked, arms folded. “Do you remember anyone ever saying they wanted a Tentacle, EVER?”
“There was that one guy who was into male spanking, but I think he alp’ed,” Marv said. He narrowed his eyes and looked at me askance. “You know, given that you wound up with a Tentacle, maybe the sorting hat ‘knows’ something about you…”
“You just stop right there,” I said, pointing my finger at him like a knife. “I tried it once in the shower, and NO THANK YOU.”
Marv looked down at the finger inches from his nose with a curled lip and bulging eyes. “Please don’t touch me with that finger, Kurt.”
I withdrew my pointer slowly. “I’ve washed about fifty thousand times, okay?” I said defensively as I rubbed my fingers and darted my eyes. “Suffice to say that is not my thing, AT ALL.”
“Sure, whatever. It’s your deal,” he said with a hand wave. This was the problem with having a Tentacle matched to me- everyone was ‘assuming’ things about me now. Deeply hurtful things (very deep, if you catch my meaning). “Look, Krystal isn’t exactly what I was planning to get, either.”
I blinked. “Krystal is a Jabberwock!” I exclaimed.
“So?” He asked. “I was all set for a Dragon, and instead I get a Jabberwock.”
“The only difference is color and magnitude,” I said. “Getting a Jabberwock is in no way like getting a Tentacle.”
“It’s exactly the same. It’s not the mamono that I had intended.”
“Yeah, but a Jabberwock’s still a…” I began, and realized what I was about to say.
“It’s what, a ‘popular’ mamono?” Marv asked, summoning up all his self-righteous indignation. “I suppose you think you are too good for a lowly Tentacle, eh?”
“That’s ridiculous,” I said, my face getting hot. “It’s not about being too good for anyone. It’s about…preference.”
“No, that’s exactly what it is. You want a popular monster, like a Hellhound or a Holstaur or a Baphomet…or a shoggoth.”
“This conversation has become stupid, like you,” I said, shuffling my papers into my briefcase. It was in the act that I realized I didn’t own a briefcase, nor did I have any papers to put in one. I was in the act of messing up Scott Sumner’s carefully organized office.
“You’re so addled that you’re trashing our boss’ office,” Marv said. “This is horrible. No wonder you need your prostate drained.”
“Oh shut up. I told you, I’m not into that,” I said.
“You are in denial about something, since the sorting hat says that you and Julia are a good match. I think you should be happy,” Marv said.
“You know, it’s easy for a guy with a purple sex dragon to tell the guy with a living dildo tree waifu that he should be happy about his impending painful rectum,” I snapped as I labored to restore Scott Sumner’s office to its original condition.
“Well, what are you going to do? Just lie back and think of England,” Marv responded.
“There is a way around that,” I said with a grin. I tugged out my phone and brought up a webpage with an appointment on it, then handed it to Marv triumphantly.
Marv squinted behind his poindexter glasses. “What am I looking at?’ He asked.
“I requested a meido to come clean my house tonight, before my court-appointed date with Julia. I left my key under the mat, so she’ll already be there when I get there. When I get home, I’ll put the moves on her, and the problem is solved.”
“What moves?” Marv asked. “You have moves?”
“I’ll just kind of…um…” I cleared my throat. “Look, all these monster girls love us. I’m sure that so long as I get a single meido I’ll be fine,” I smiled and pointed at my phone excitedly. “And I requested one! I win! I beat the stupid Sorting Hat.”
“Well, what kind of Meido are you asking for?” Marv asked.
“A shoggoth,” I said with a calm sigh. “A nice shapeshifting nightmare-cutie who can do all that stuff I read about in those stories.”
“Well they are pretty versatile…” Marv said.
“I’d settle for a kikimora too, of course,” I said.
“Settle?” He said with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh stop,” I snapped. “People have the right to be a bit picky and demanding when it comes to their lifelong partner.”
“I seem to recall that we felt differently about that back before the Portals opened,” Marv said.
“Maybe so, but we still had to live by the rules, just like they have to do,” I replied.
“This just isn’t like you, Kurt,” Marv said. “I never knew you to be inconsiderate.”
I frowned. “We were on an image board. When did we ever show Humanity?”
“Still, I mean…what’s going to happen when Julia shows up? She’ll be crushed.”
I sighed, and I did feel bad about that. “I know. Look, Julia’s a sweet girl, but I’m not into Tentacles. I’m sure she’ll find a nice bicorn and a harem she can join up with and provide…you know…release…” I said.
Marv shrugged. “Well…good luck,” he said. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
We walked out to our cars, and I called out a goodbye as I got in my stylish compact and drove home, humming in tune with the sound of my heat shield rumbling against the tar. I’d need to fix that this weekend.
On the drive I felt a bit mixed about my choice. Julia was a Tentacle, and that was a deal breaker, but she did seem like a very sweet girl, and she was quite taken with me. Plus there were her eyes. That blue color, a color like the skies above conifers in the untouched mountains, where the air is clear. She had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen, even if I told myself that didn’t matter. And yet thinking of them being sad made me feel like I was going to throw up.
I focused instead on the shoggoth who would be coming. I smiled. Shoggoths are a great waifu choice. They are strong, tough, and most importantly, perverted as fuck. The things a shoggoth can do are amazing, and none of them involve making it hard for me to sit down for a week.
I pulled into my driveway, where a white van marked “MEIDO” took up the prime spot. The van looked a bit dilapidated, and the lettering looked uneven, which gave me pause. I couldn’t imagine a Shoggoth settling for such quality of work. Then again, they aren’t Anubis, I thought…
I could tell by the silhouette visible through the blind that someone was inside, laboring away in my Living Room. The figure seemed a bit tiny, about the size of a Human woman. I began to wonder if perhaps it was one of those Sabbath organizations, planning to reverse-Hansen me.
I ventured through my door, and sighed with som relief to see my new non-loli meido hard at work, laboring furiously with a broom…on the living room carpet.
Even a cursory glance established that this meido was not what I had requested. It is true that I had never seen a shoggoth, but this looked nothing like any of the pictures I had, um, intensely researched before the Day of the Rape. Her arms were two long tentacle-looking appendages that opened into “blooms” of small, tongue-like tentacles, and her legs were six or seven tendrils which were smooth on one side and licking tongue-tentacles on the other. Or rather, they should be, but the meido was in a poorly fitting maid outfit which did its best to obscure this. Her skin was smeared with purple and blue paint, and her arm-tentacles were bound up in sleeves, her ‘blooms’ awkwardly shut with ill-fitting gloves placed over them, making it look as if she had extremely puffy sleeves.
From the waist down, her body was a mass of dangling tentacles which slithered and slurped along the ground. Her ‘purple’ (actually green) little body was lithe, with nice sized breasts for her form. She labored with her broom, pushing a piece of lint about on the carpet with no set destination or dustpan in sight.
Aside from all that which she had labored to cover or hide, what shined through were her shimmering blue eyes. I found her eyes nearly impossible to stare away from (as always), but I reminded myself what she was, and with difficulty pulled myself free. I recognized those eyes.
“Hello Julia,” I said dryly.
“Hello MastAH!” The ‘maid’ announced enthusiastically. “I just saw Bawbbie Orrah at the gahhhden, then I went to Fann-yule haul to worship the Kennedys and sing Dirty Water. I got ova heah on the Tee and stahted kleenin’ up your friggin crap. It was wicked dirty!”
I cleared my throat “Julia…” I began.
“Now just hang on theah, buddy!” Julia said, holding up her poorly gloved and writhing tentacle arms. “I got a call from a Soivice, and they said ya need a cleeenah, so I’m gonna keep yah house kleen! Do tha lawndry, and tha dishhh-es…I got a settlement in trouble to mark on your map, too.”
“People-People in New England don’t actually say that…”
“Are you retahded?!” She said. “We gotta help out the Commonwealth and find all a those lousy synths!”
I stared at her. “Julia, it’s not working,” I said.
“But aren’t I just adorable in my nice maid outfit?” Julia asked with a grin and a twirl as she mercifully dropped the accent. In truth, she was rather comely. Still, weren’t all mamono?
“You look very handsome, but you are not a shoggoth. You’re a Tentacle. I had asked for a maid to come clean…”
“I know, they told me. I cancelled it. I can be just as good as a shoggoth! I have cleaned, and cooked, even have made cinnamon toast for you, as is customary for Shoggoths to make for their men. It’s on a plate made from myself, like the best shoggoths make for their hubbies!”
She held up the toast, and…and…the plate…
The less said about the ‘plate’, the better. My face turned green when I saw it, and her horror at my reaction melted away her purple paint. Both of us stared at the dead, flattened and blackened (and still moving) tentacle chunk for a moment, hoping it would go away.
“I, ah, I didn’t think it would look quite so desiccated,” she said sheepishly.
I stared at the blackened tentacle with wide eyes. “You…you…” I stammered.
She tilted her head, looking like some adorable plant-puppy. “Hm?”
“You chopped off a part of yourself!” I shouted in horror. I wondered if my Tentacle-betrothed was a yandere, and was slightly uncomfortable at the realization that I was getting a bit stiff at the thought.
Julia laughed. “My tentacles are like shark teeth,” she said with a dismissive tentacle wave. “I can’t lose them fast enough.”
“So you didn’t just maim yourself?” I asked.
“Oh no. Was gonna fall off anyway. It makes me hungry though when I need to regen…”
I heard her tummy rumble from across the room, a warbling groan that made her tentacles flutter like sine waves. She clutched her stomach with her tentacles.
“You’re hungry?” I asked.
She nodded. Her eyes lit up. “I made a roast!” She exclaimed. “Come, see!”
I sniffed. I thought I smelled smoke earlier…
We walked through the, admittedly very tidy, living room and through the swinging door into the linoleum bastion of 1980s decor, my kitchen. It looked like it had been well cleaned, except that on my stove was ash in the shape of a segment of cow meat. I looked at the charred mound in the crinkled metal pan. I tried to hide my assessment, but she could see it.
“…I didn’t do it right, did I?” She asked with disappointment in her voice. “I kinda figured when that thing on the ceiling kept beeping until I hit it with a broom that something went wrong.”
I cleared my throat. “You, ah, have never cooked, have you?” I asked.
Julia looked down at the floor and lifted her ‘foot’ guiltily. “I missed that day at meido school. There isn’t too much cooking in the Tentacle Fields.”
“How about I make us some food?” I asked.
“But I’m the meido!” Julia said with big, blue eyes that shimmered. They were adorable, but then all mamono eyes were adorable, I told myself. Stop falling for her, I said under my breath.
“You did a good job of cleaning but you just chopped off a chunk of yourself to make a plate, and you cremated a roast,” I said. “I’ll whip up some food. You like salmon?”
“I never had it,” She said. “We don’t have it back through the Portal. So is the fish pink?”
“The color salmon is pink, I was reading about it…”
“Oh, that’s because its insides are that color,” I said.
She blinked. “Oh right, of course. Duh. You’ll have to forgive me; I’m still learning,” her blue eyes lit up, which was a joy to behold. “Ooh, I know! While you cook, I’ll get a load of laundry in!”
“My laundry?” I asked.
“Yep!” She exclaimed. She raced up the stairs, and she appeared to glide on those tendrils of hers. “I got your clothes out of the hamper and sorted. I even found all your underwear! All of your darks are ready to go.”
“Well, that’s certainly nice of you…” I called up the stairs as I heard the metal reverberation of a washing machine door opening. “Have you every used a washing machine before?”
“Not as such. Back home in the Tentacle fields we hand wash our clothes. But I mean, how hard can it be?” Julia called down the stairs. “I see these dials and knobs…I can do this!”
“You sure? I can come up and show you…” I began.
“Nah, I got it! You get that food cooked!”
I pulled my salmon steak out of the fridge. I knew it should be enough for two, and as I had a large lunch I decided to give the larger portion to the person who had tried to make a limb into a plate. Soon the salmon steak was painted in maple syrup and in a frying pan, and the hiss of its cooking and the clean maple-smelling steam filled the house. I pulled a broccoli pack out of the freezer and tossed it in the microwave. Those microwave packs are great, so low hassle.
I set out two plates on the table, noting that there was a large pile of books there, books which were not mine. They covered a wide range of topics, from cryptozoology to medieval history. I frowned, what was she reading? I picked up one book, a book by Ross Perot, and leafed through a few pages, squinting at the copious notes in the margins scrawled by a heavy hand (or tentacle).
I heard a sudden noise a floor above, and the frantic squeal of the door to my laundry room as it flew open. I decided to investigate. As I emerged from my kitchen, a squiggling mass of tendrils in a maid outfit rocketed down my stairs.
“HIT THE DECK!” Julia screamed, as behind her a wall of soap and suds thundered down the stairs like a stampeding herd of bubbles. I was tackled to the ground by an earnest Tentacle, whom despite her compact size packed quite a wallop. The wave of suds washed over us with a rumble, and I shut my eyes, wondering if this was the end.
But it was not. When the rumbling suds ended, Julia was clutching me tightly. I had to admit that it was not an altogether unpleasant experience. She was slick and slippery, but yet her grip was strong, and I felt an embrace I had never before enjoyed.
I opened my eyes. Soap. Soap everywhere. My God, the soap. It blanketed over us as though snow, and the house was filled with the crackling pops of the suds.
“I don’t understand what happened,” Julia cried, an inch from my neck. “Did I use too much soap?
A large soap bubble popped near my face. “I’m going to just hazard that yes, you did,” I said gently.
“But I thought I was conservative…”
“Hmmmm…” I began, wiping suds from my eyes. “How much did you use?”
“I only added one bottle of soap…” she said definitively.
I patted her tentacle-haired head. “That’s a little too much,” I said.
“It is?! Oh, I’ve caused a mess!” Julia exclaimed, her distressed tentacles agitating the surrounding suds even more. “I’m so sorry Kurt, I really, really tried…”
I opened my mouth to speak, but a large glob of soap bubbles fell from the ceiling and landed squarely on my face. Frantic, Julia began to sweep away the bubbles from my face and body, fretting the whole time.
I should have been angry about my house being covered in suds, the potential thousands of dollars of damage to electronics and furniture, but watching soap fall down like heavy snow upon us, I began to laugh, and laugh. Nervously at first, Julia joined in, then was hanging off of me as she laughed. It was an enjoyable sound, and her smiking face made my heart quicken, but I hardened it.
“I have to clean all this up,” I said. “Of course, I got no idea how. I’ll need to call in a real shoggoth or a kiki, I think. Julia, you seem very nice, but this…this isn’t really working out…”
Julia looked stricken, and I realized that she was about to burst into tears.
“I mean you as a meido!” I said, suddenly overtaken by a sincere desire not to see her cry. “I think we need some help cleaning this.”
“I can’t exactly disagree,” Julia said, sighing. “Maybe I should go. I’m sorry I ruined our date night.”
Staring at the sad Tentacle-meido I suddenly found that I didn’t want her to leave. I wiped some soap off her face with my thumb. “Hey…the kitchen is largely untouched, and I did just finish up the Salmon. How about we eat?” I asked.
Julia smiled. “I’d like that.”
We stood amidst the suds, and headed into the kitchen, I brought over the Salmon and broccoli and dispensed it onto our plates.
I went to the refrigerator and poured us both milk into goblets (as is patrician to drink), and we sat down and ate. The Salmon was delicious, and the broccoli was quite good. Julia needed a minute to consider the broccoli, unsure precisely what she was eating, and if it could possibly be a compatriot. When she finally did partake, she ate ravenouslh consuming nearly the entire pack with a slurping which was somewhat unnerving.
“I can heat up another pack…” I said.
“No thanks,” she said, inhaling a floret. “This is all quite delicious. This maple salmon is amazing.”
“Thanks. I worked a diner for a little while there, during college,” I said. “The cook taught me how to make quite a few dishes, along with some choice curses in Tamil.”
“Like this fish, you really are a great catch,” Julia said. “You have a job, you cook, you know about washing machines. It’s clear why the Sorting Hat matched us.”
“You’re very nice,” I said diplomatically. I stared in her blue eyes. “And your eyes are…anyways, I must confess I don’t understand why the Sorting Hat matched us.”
“I admit that I’m not the best meido,” Julia said. “But I have other abilities.”
I put a hand to my rear, my eyes bulging as I shook my head vigorously.
“Whoa, whoa!” She said. “I don’t go for that funny business!”
I looked at her through one half-opened eye. “You aren’t after my pooper?” I asked.
“Well I am, it’s a nice butt you have, but I don’t have any particular desire to go beyond the surface,” she said. “I desire to grasp and squeeze, or pinch.”
“I’m not sure how you pinch with tentacles,” I said.
“Oh, anything you can do with your hands and fingers, I can do bett…” she caught herself. “I can do also with my tentacles.”
“You were about to say better,” I said.
“But I caught myself,” Julia replied, pointing a fork held by a tentacle at me. “Because it isn’t nice to say.”
“You think it, clearly,” I said. “I don’t wish to pile on, but need I remind you that the living room is fizzing right now?”
“The problem there wasn’t dexterity. It was knowledge,” she said. “Once I know what I’m doing, I do it real well.”
“That’s the same as me. How can you say your tentacles are better? They seem harder to control,” I said. “Less rigid.”
“Goodness, no. I can play a song on the pianoforte that requires 88 fingers,” Julia said.
“You play music?” I asked.
Julia nodded enthusiastically. “Every young lady in the Tentacle fields grows up learning. I play the pianoforte,” she said.
“Pianoforte…now how is that different from a piano?” I asked.
“It’s just the full name,” Julia said. “I’d be delighted to play for you, if we can dig yours out of the soap. Where is it, anyway? I couldn’t find it.”
“If we dig it out of the soap, I’ll be amazed, since I don’t have one,” I said.
She tilted her head. “But to have a house without a pianoforte is to have a body with no soul,” she said. “Such a thing is inconceivable in the Tentacle fields,” she said.
“I won’t lie, I’m kind of curious to see this place,” I said, imagining a field of Tentacles sitting near wash basins and playing piano. I took a deep breath. “But Julie…”
“Oh, come on,” she said, her voice a plea. “We’ve bonded, eaten together, had some laughs. I think we’re a good fit. And I swear, I’m not after your pooper for any colon inspection.”
“There is other stuff that makes me hesitant,” I said. “Like the girl thing.”
“Girl thing?” She asked. “What girl thing?”
“You know, how you ‘treat’ women…”
“You mean showing good manners?” She asked. “I know feminism got a bit rough here, but do you really want me spitting on people?”
“No, I mean you putting your tentacles up their…” I said, motioning downwards towards an imaginary vagina.
“Oh,” she said, frowning. “What’s the trouble?”
“I’m not really the biggest fan of that stuff,” I said.
She raised a dark green eyebrow. “Really?” She asked. “I’ve never heard a man say that before.”
“Well, okay, I might enjoy watching a livestream of it on my laptop at 2AM, but in a relationship I would kind of want to be monogamous with a girl. I wouldn’t like her running off to attack a passing co-ed to sex her up. I don’t…I’d feel unimportant.”
“Oh well, I understand that. To be quite honest, I’ve never really been too into that myself…” Julia said. “I mean, I do it, but that’s because Tentacles are expected to do that. It’s…kind of a chore, actually.”
“A chore?” I asked.
“Especially on this side of the portal. You should see the parade of middle-aged ‘wine aunts’ I get walking past my frond-hut on the weekends. They all pass me with the same walk, casting sideways glances and hoping I’m just DESPERATE to go for their calloused and eroded g-spots. God, what lousy lays, too. They’re deader fish than a mermaid who sat on a Novocain syringe. The poor men they sleep with, having to toil away on their lukewarm, loose holes while they stare dead-eyed at the ceiling. I’d sooner sleep with a hand grenade with the pin pulled than one of them. You boys here are really hard up.”
“And then, when we’re finished?” She continued, raising her wriggling tentacles. “They’re all, ‘I’ll never need a man again!’ And I’m all ‘just succubize already.’ Of course, that’s the whole point…” she said.
“The point?” I asked.
“Yeah, we make Human women into succubi. That’s why we do that, to put mana in them and transform them. Once they sprout bat wings they ditch the Disney Bitch-Princess attitude, then go find a nice boy to ensnare with a contract,” she said. “And as they sashay off with wagging tails, I go wash really well and read a book.”
“I noticed the books,” I said. I looked at the stack of books on the table, which all looked worn with dog-eared pages. “You read a lot?”
“Absolutely! A lot of people think being a Tentacle is all menacing Japanese schoolgirls- or turning up as a browser tab on a political pundit’s laptop- but the reality is that it’s very quiet. Generally the Tentacle fields aren’t a place where people take the dog for a walk, or go for a bike ride with the toddler, you understand. Consequently there is a lot of quiet time. Tentacles like to paint, play instruments, write poetry, and read.”
“Doesn’t sound so bad,” I said.
“It isn’t. Nice and quiet, lots of hot tea and conversation. Then every so often a young lady comes by and we stuff her until she leaks a few different fluids. I mean, it gets a bit lonely sometimes. We all dream of getting a man and living in a city or a town for a few years, then heading back to the Tentacle Fields to have a litter of little ones.”
“So you want to live in the Fields?” I asked.
“Eventually. Some girls never make it back, but I’d like to be traditional. Boys have a good life there – lots of sex. You’ll love it,” she leaned in with a smile, clearly thinking about me in the Tentacle Field as some love toy.
“Well, I have a job, so…” I began.
“Oh, well of course you’d have that,” she said. “And I mean I’d live here. This is nice. You don’t have women coming in and awkwardly bending over at odd hours of the night. It’s cozy…cuddly.”
I cleared my throat. “Well…so what have you been reading lately?” I asked, hoping to get off the subject of us.
She held up a thick paperback volume with a glossy outer cover. “It’s a book about the Plantagenets,” she said, showing me the cover, which had a crest with three lion-looking creatures on it.
“Really?” I asked. “That’s kind of an odd thing to research.”
Julia frowned. “Well, research is not exactly the right word, but why is it odd?” She asked.
“I guess that it isn’t what I’d expect a newcomer to earth to zero in on,” I said.
Julia shrugged. “We are encouraged to read many things about your world, to understand it. Although…I’ll be honest,” she said, looking back and forth. “I started reading because I thought that the Plantagenets might be some kind of plant creatures.”
“Oh,” I said with a laugh. “They weren’t plants.”
“Yes, I did figure that out after a few pages, when they made reference to them eating,” she said. “As plant-creatures, they would need to stand in the sun to grow food unless they were some type of carnivorous flower. A shame, really; earth’s history is interesting, but desperately needs an alien invasion. Thankfully I hear that one happened in the 1970s. I’m excited to read about this plan by these ‘blancmanges’ to conquer Wimbledon…”
“You know, about that…” I began. I saw her big, blue eyes stare at me. “Never mind. So what do you think of earth?”
Julia shrugged. “No offense, but you people were managing things about as well as I program a Washing Machine. Unstable people, dysfunctional government. Many of your mentally ill people had a bizarre obsession with a hedonistic society with no property or religion. It was a damn good thing we got here when we did.”
I laughed. “That’s pretty true. We were hopelessly inept,” I said. I looked at the time, and at the soap slowly feeding into my kitchen. “I’ll call the meidos, but I suppose I should get some of this soap up. So…I thank you for coming…”
Julia looked alarmed. “So soon?”
“Well, I mean, you’ve eaten, and I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me…”
“I should help you,” Julia said. “It’s my fault, after all.”
“Please don’t be offended, but I think I should do this alone,” I said.
“I had a good time, tonight,” Julia said hopefully. “D-did you? I mean, aside from me screwing up?”
I smiled. “I’ll be honest; I did too. You are a really sweet, funny, and smart girl,” I took a deep breath. “But…”
Julia’s smile at my compliments faded. “But what? We get along so well. Why are you so aloof from me?”
I stared into her blue eyes and watched her full, pouting lips as they awaited my answer with fear. I decided I needed to be honest, and put everything on the table. “Well…” I began. I took a deep breath. “I was never really a Tentacle guy. I favor something a bit more…well…”
Julia’s eye twitched. “Popular?” She asked.
“I didn’t say that. I always liked shoggoths. They have a certain something…”
“What?” Julia said, her voice rising. “What’s so great about them, hm? The random eyeballs? The gooey thighs? The mouths?”
“Do you really want to know?” I asked.
She stared at me with wide eyes, her shining gaze making them look like oceans during a hurricaine. It was clear she didn’t want me to like shoggoths at all, and wanted to hear why I did solely so that she could yell about it.
“They can shapeshift,” I blurted out. “The sex with them is supposedly insane.”
Her eyes widened. “And sex with a Tentacle is boring, you think?”
“You are putting words in my mouth. As I said, I’m not into being penetrated…” I replied.
“I DON’T DO THAT TO BOYS!” Julia raged. “I have NO interest in that, none! You don’t even know the HALF of what I DO want to do to you, though, you-you-you male coquette!”
“What?” I asked, arms folded. “What else can a Tentacle do beside poke into places best left undisturbed?”
Julia took a deep breath. “Maybe I’ve been approaching you all wrong…” she said slowly, trying to calm herself. “I’ve been kind of reserved, because that’s the conventional attitude for a Tentacle to take with a boy. But it occurs to me that maybe you need a tad bit more…proactivity.”
I shifted. “W-what?” I asked.
“I think I need to rape you senseless,” she said. She lifted her goblet of milk to her lips and drank.
“Now come on,” I said, laughing “That isn’t going to work.”
“Like hell it won’t,” she said calmly, yet her eyes looked full of determination.
“Be serious. You can’t force me,” I said, eyes lidded. “I weight probably twice as much as you.”
Julia raised an eyebrow, her face amused. “Really? You think that matters?”
“Look, wrestling is all about weight, ultimately,” I said. “And I have done some grappling in high school.”
Julia stood from the table, and circled around to me. “Well then, you should be able to resist me easily, ‘high school grappler’. But if not, your nice little rump is my plaything.”
The rump comment got me riled. Though she had sworn she wouldn’t do that, I suddenly believed she was threatening something horrid. “Go, Monster! You don’t belong in this house!” I said.
“It was not by my tentacle that I came here. I was brought by the Sorting Hat, who offered you as tribute,” Julia replied.
“Tribute? You steal men’s rumps, and make them your slaves!” I announced hotly, standing.
“I suppose the same could be said of all mamono…” Julia mused.
“Your words are as crazy as my living room! Mankind ill deserves a waifu such as you!”
“Bah! What is a man? A huggable little vial of semen!” Julia announced. She discarded her milk goblet against the opposite wall with the sound of shattering glass. “But enough talk…have at you!”
We both lunged simultaneously, our battle cries filling my kitchen as we met upon the linoleum.
My wrestling was a credit to both my instruction and my natural skill. I got in some great moves, and a spirited defense. As it turns out, however, wrestling against someone who is a mass of long coiling muscles, no matter how girly and petite their torso is, is very untenable, particularly when it turns out they have the raw strength of a draft horse. Her ‘blooms’ coiled around my hands and pressed me to the ground, and I found myself unable to move. My legs were even worse, as her lower tentacles swirled about them and held them with the strength of a python squeezing them straight.
I was totally immobilized, and reeling, I realized that this petite little monster girl, this plant, was free to molest me as she saw fit. Of course, my penis began to stir, as being raped by a strong woman was half the reason I was into Monstergirls.
“What was that about weight, and skill?” She asked in a teasing voice. “By the way, I wrestled a bit, too – I placed bronze in the all-Monster Olympics.”
“Let me up!” I shouted, aware her taunting was only making my stiffness worse.
“Ohhh,” she said with a smirk, noticing that my stiff pants were pressing against her one of her ‘thighs’. “Someone is getting hard from being restrained!”
I struggled at my tentacle bonds, finding myself pressing with all my strength and making no headway. Her tentacles were thicker than my biceps, and their immense strength became apparent…and arousing.
“I guess you didn’t realize just how strong I am,” she said. “I can snap a ship mast like a Kraken, bend steel girders. I’m legitimately as strong as a minotaur.”
“But you…you…” I stammered.
“Yes, I’m very slight,” she said with a giggle. “I have a good design, you might say. Now…” she leaned in. “I think…maybe…some kissing is in order.”
My penis leapt at the thought. “N-no…” I said, turning my face away. “This is all wrong. It isn’t what I wanted…”
“Well, your lips say no, but the little fella down here seems very eager,” Julie said, entirely correct. She grinned mischievously. “Only solution is to give the kiss to the one who wants it…”
Still holding me in her tentacles, she slowly made her way down to my trousers, and with a grin her lower tentacles grasped alongside my pants and pulled. My khakis tore with an audible rip, and with a gleeful giggle Julie’s dripping tentacles clutched at my boxers, and I felt the water sopping through, making my skin feel cool and refreshed, like a dip in a cool lake.
“Now, you wayward little boy, to get my kisses…”
She pulled down my underwear, exposing my swollen manhood. Her eyes lit up, and she grinned down at it.
“I never saw one up close before…” she said. “It’s so cute!”
I twitched involuntarily, and she giggled. She leaned in, staring up at me with shining blue eyes, and planted her green lips on my swollen lower head. I gasped as the lips touched me, and my penis wiggled as her soft lips parted in a smacking sound against it. I moaned so stiff it hurt.
“Mmmmmm…” she said. She smiled and opened her mouth. “Let’s see how you taste…”
She ran her dark green tongue up my balls and to the tip of my cock, sending wet, warm, soft sensations up my shaft and into my brain. My eyes rolled into my head, and the pleasure forced me to groan.
“Now that is yummy!” She exclaimed, smacking her lips and licking them with her wonderful tongue. “Still want no kisses?”
“Unghhhh…” I grunted, my mind reeling.
“I guess that’s a yes?” She asked triumphantly.
She leaned down with a smile, and put her wondrous full lips millimeters from my throbbing member, but then paused. Her smiled faded, and she pulled back up my underwear. The tentacles uncoiled from my hands and legs.
“W-wha…” I began, confused – and alarmed.
“This isn’t right,” she said, her wonderful full lips pursed as she folded her ‘arms’. “I’m only winning because you are hard, but you still think I’m just a dumb little Tentacle…”
“I never said that!” I protested, legitimately horrified by the notion.
“No, but you thought it,” she said sadly. “You thought I wasn’t good enough for you, admit it.”
“Oh, Julia, I’m sorry…” I said. I sighed. “I have been acting like an ass. It wasn’t ever you, it was always just the stuff from the Encyclopedia about Tentacles, but you are a lot more than that. It is I who doesn’t deserve you…”
“No, no, no,” Julia said angrily. “I deserve you, and you deserve me. The Sorting Hat said so. I know why I want you, I need you to want me.”
“But I do want you,” I said. “I realize that now…”
“Because you are hard. Is there anything you like about me?” Julia asked in a small voice before she tucked in her head.
I stared at her a moment, and despite her immense power she looked so small and frail. I wrapped my arms around her. She was slick, but warm, and I found that despite her apparent sadness she leaned into me eagerly. I kissed her on her tentacle-hair forehead.
“You are sweet,” I said. “And kind, and smart. And you were willing to pretend you were a shoggoth for me, which is something you shouldn’t have to do. You aren’t just like other Monster girls. You are special. You are special to me.”
I tilted her to look at me, and stared into her young, beautiful face. Her eyes widened and shined, blue as the sky. I pressed my lips to hers.
Our tongues met, and mingled. She was timid at first, and I pressed my tongue into her mouth, tasting her slightly sweet saliva. I began lightly probing her the insides of her cheeks, tasting the sugary smooth walls. She began to moan happily, and soon her timid tongue became bold, and I realized it was many tongues. Her very strong tongue bundle gripped my own, and began to fiercely slather against it.
I felt her tentacles begin to coil about me again, about my arms and legs. My hands were wrapped around her waist, but a thick tangle of tentacles from her arms and legs encased me, and tiny little slippery inner tentacles, like tongues, began to lick me all over my arms . Her tentacles spiraled around my legs, and she pulled herself slightly above me, kissing down at me in a position of dominance.
I reached in and cupped her nice, soft breasts, which fit so snuggly in my hands. She gasped, and as I ran my thumbs over her nipples, the tongues gushed fluid all over me. A lot of fluid. Thick fluid, which smelled slightly of fruit, but had a certain faint musk…
“Oh!” She said, flushed. “Pardon me!”
“Did…did you just…” I began.
She smiled, and a tentacle coiled around my wrist, and brought me inexorably between her legs, and to her sopping wet hole. It was warm, and the fluid so thick my hand sloshed into her. I reached in and rubbed at her clitoris, feeling the tiny bump, and as I did so, she gasped, her pussy gushed, and the licking tongues gushed as well all over my body.
“Oh God!” I moaned, realizing that I was covered in her sex juice. I began to flick and tease her tiny clit, and her coos and little noises made me rock hard, as did the tightening coil of slippery wet tentacles about my body that wouldn’t stop gushing liquid in time with her moans.
“…yesss…” she whispered. The tentacles which had guided me to her pussy now held me there fast, and the action of my hands on her pussy became a combination of me fingering her and her masturbating herself on my hands.
“God, I love a boy’s little, simple hands…” she whispered. “So limited and rigid, clumsy. Not nearly as strong or adroit as my tentacles…but still, they are so, so effective. So wonderful…so goddamn skilled…so sexy…”
I felt myself throb as she lost herself in pleasure, and her blue eyes rolled back in her head. I swirled my finger over her button, being rewarded with another downpour of sweet sticky fluid all over myself.
She clenched her teeth and stared at me. A tentacle forced its way into my mouth, and dozens of little tongues began to lick my insides and pour her sex juice down my throat.
“Drink me,” she growled aggressively, her face flush. She cooed and her face softened. “My God, your hand…”
She began to rub herself off on my hand, pulsing more fluid all over it and over my arms, my legs, my chest, and down my throat. The liquid tasted so sweet, and of citrus, and yet like the purest, coolest water imaginable. I felt refreshed with each desperate gulp.
Finally her moans and grunts grew loud and animated, and with a sudden shriek she leaned onto my hand as her tentacles constrained and she cried out in orgasmic joy, howling herself to climax as her juice poured all over me. One tentacle found its way to my cock, qnd squeezed it so tightly that I felt a bit of fluid leak from it.
“I must suck you, now!” Julia shouted, still sobbing through the aftershocks of her intense orgasm.
She growled, and her tentacles tore my underwear to shreds. My God, was she strong! She leaned in, and smiled at me as she ran her tongue across her big, thick lips. The only thing I wanted, or could want, was to feel her press them against my skin. Those luscious, thick, full lips, the slight green color…they hypnotized me. Her heavenly lips leaned down and pressed against my member, then opened and a took my swollen head between them. I felt a mixture of wet and warmth, and my manhood disappeared into her hot, tight mouth. Her tongues flicked against my head as tentacles began to gently poke and disturb my balls.
Her head rose up and down, as her tentacles began to reach out to complete their control over me. Despite being in the bloom, her little tentacles were quite long, and the tongue like appendages began to lick me all over my body, covering me in sex juice. They also prodded and pushed into my muscles, forcing them to relax, kneading out every ounce of stress or discomfort from them.
A pair of tentacles edged to my lower back, and my buttocks clenched for a moment. The tentacles however stayed outside, content merely to pinch and squeeze me while Julia continued fucking me with her face, slurping, licking, and sucking on my throbbing cock. The tentacles began to pull on me, and Julia began to force me down her throat, force me to thrust. She gagged, but did not stop.
“I want boy-honey…” she growled as she caught her breath. “After the nice meal you made for me, I need the dessert you made in your balls…”
I moaned. Her mouth was soft, wet, and smooth, and her tongues within licked and slurped over my swollen penishead with such ferocity that the pleasure arced through my body like an electric current. As she sucked on me, she stared up with those blue eyes, staring into my soul, and I could only cry out in pleasure.
My every cry made her gush out more juice, and I found myself slick yet again in her wonderful fluid. One of her tentacles found its way to my mouth, and began licking my face and lips, putting the sweet juice all over me.
While her wonderful mouth and tongues worked me over, I struggled, finding her tentacles holding me fast. The pleasure from her ministrations rose, and as it did, I lost myself in her blue eyes, enraptured and hypnotized, watching her pretty green face stare up at me eagerly as she slurped and throated me. Finally it became more than my penis could handle, and as my mouth opened wide I saw those beautiful blue eyes begin to shine and sparkle like stars in the night sky.
“I’m coming!” I announced, and I thrust out my hips as her tongues flicked at my cock tip. With a loud groan I unloaded the contents of my balls into her tight mouth. Her blue eyes widened in surprise at the massive load that I put into her mouth, but she did not gag or allow a single drop to leave her possession. She smiled up at me as I worked through the aftershocks of my orgasm, mercilessly licking my sensitive head and making me cry out in post orgasmic, wonderful torture.
“Mmmmmmmmmm…” she said, savoring my sperm’s taste like it was some delicious confection. She opened her mouth to show me my spunk on her tongue, then shut it, swallowed, and opened to reveal a clean mouth. Her eyes widened.
“Oh wow…” she began. She gave my cock a reverential kiss of total worship, then rose up above me. “You taste like a goddamn sunny day, like joy in liquid form. Screw the broccoli and the salmon, this is the best thing that you made today! I will need to snack upon your boy goo like that five times a day. No, no…ten! Maybe more!”
Spent, I lay upon my cold tile floor, moaning. Julia lay above me in total triumph, running a tentacle over my face affectionately. I was ready to fall asleep on my cold bathroom floor, but as I took a look over at the door, I saw suds bubbling beneath. I let out a tired grunt.
“Oh!” Julia exclaimed, following my eyes “Your house is still flooded with suds!”
I nodded solemnly. I reached up and clutched Julia around the waist, pulling her on top of me. I was rewarded with a squeal of delighted surprise, and I planted a kiss upon her full, wonderful lips.
“Let’s go clean,” I said. “Then we’ll go to bed.”
“So then, I can stay?” She asked excitedly.
“Oh yeah,” I said, still panting from our mutual session. “You can stay forever.”
“Yay!” Julia exclaimed. She clapped her tentacles together, and I watched happily as her perky breasts bounced up and down.
We rose off my floor and entered the living room. We spent a few hours scooping up soap and suds, which were mostly in the upstairs Laundry Room and the Living Room. After a quick search on the ol’ search engine (the bunyip powerhouse Floofle), we learned that dousing the suds with salt would make them dissipate. In this knowledge, and armed with a cylinder of sea salt from my kitchen, we turned my entire house into Cato the Elder’s Carthage, ensuring that no crops could arise on my carpet.
In this task (and the subsequent ones), Julia showed herself to be quite capable and adroit. Once she was given a bit of direction, her productivity was immense. Each tentacle seemed to be able to function near autonomously on their assigned duty, and so while she mopped, she also wiped and dried as well.
Several times our cleaning was interrupted by mutual spirited games of grabass, which in one case led to intense petting and a mutual oral session. Her pussy tasted so, so wonderful, like the sweetest, wildest tropical fruit, that I liked her to three orgasms ravenously, drinking the sweetest of her juices until it sloshed in my stomach.
It was near midnight when the house was finally cleaned “enough” for us to take a more full stock on the morning. An inspection of my bedroom found it mostly undisturbed by suds, and so we prepared for a night of ‘rest.’
As an accident of history I had a twin bed, and I worried it might be too snug for two people.
“I suppose I’ll need to get a double for us…” I began.
“The hell you will, this is perfect!” Julia exclaimed. “It’s so tiny and snug…that means we can hug all night! You’ll have no escape. I’ll be able to suckle on you…”
“Suckle?” I asked.
“Oh, sure,” Julia said. “Tentacles never stop, and we are even hornier in our dreams. While I may be sleeping, my tentacles will be caressing and licking, searching blindly for The Spot.”
“The Sex Spot. When I am alone, it just goes for me, but now that you are there…a tentacle will never, EVER take a hole over a man’s penis.”
“So the tentacles are going to go after my, ah, fellow?”
“Oh yeah,” she purred. “Your ‘fellow’ will become a friend to everybody in the bed. I plan to have Happy Dreams tonight. You probably won’t get a lot of sleep at first, but eventually you should be so exhausted you just sleep while my unconscious has my way with you…”
I was pretty tired, but I decided I was okay with this. We laid down, and her ‘arms’ and ‘legs’ wrapped about me, and I was coiled into a hug of tentacles. Her naked body was pressed up against mine, my penis against her vagina, her wonderful spherical breasts against my chest. The embrace was so complete that it was more like a cocoon. Julia nestled her head against my neck with all her might. With faint coos, she shut her pretty eyes.
I tried to turn a little, but my Tentacle waifu held me fast in this total embrace. “I ah, I can’t move…”
Julia giggled. “Perfect,” she whispered. “Good Night, Kurt.”
I smiled. “Good night, Julia. Pleasant dreams…”
Her tentacles tightened, and she exhaled peacefully. I found my waifu cocoon pleasant and snug. I could feel her heartbeat against my chest, a gentle thumping. I was not being restrained, but being encompassed, as though I was within a warm, slick, and firm blanket of total love.
Though I had resolved to stay awake to await the assault of my waifu’s tendrils, the cozy embrace and sweet feeling of Julia’s warm breath against my body, coupled with the late night, soothed me into a deep, deep sleep.
My dreams were, as the night went on, increasingly about persistent licking and kissing of my cock by smiling and teasing Tentacle girls. When the pleasure became too real, and I realized it was from outside the dream, I awoke to find my penis rock hard, a ‘lower’ tentacle coiled tightly around it in a grip of total mastery. The powerful muscles of the tentacle contracted and relaxed, like an Amazon’s thigh, squeezing my manhood and making it throb and pulse.
Though the pleasure was so great as to awaken me, Julia remained asleep, smiling impishly to herself in some happy dream, as her body molested my helpless penis. The coils attacked me, and I began to kiss my sleeping Tentacle waifu, reveling in the feel of her green skin on my lips.
My mouth found its way to her sweat-covered breasts, and I began to kiss and lick them. I took her dark green nipples into my mouth, mashing down on them with a moan as the tentacle continued to squeeze my cock. The combination of a breast between my lips and the smooth, moist coils working at my manhood made my eyes roll into my head, and I moaned happily.
In her sleep, Julia began to coo, and make little yelps of pleasure, her face frowning at the inexplicable sensations being done to her sensitive nipples. She stirred, and her eyes opened.
“Oooooh…Kurt!” She whispered, a smile crossing her heavenly lips. I stared up at her from her breasts, but I felt her tentacle uncoil and retreat. I frowned.
“Wha-?” I began, but before I could finish, I already had my answer.
In the tentacle’s place, I felt a shifting, and Julia’s womanhood positioned itself over my cockhead, the wet hole dancing and brushing against my glans. With a grunt I thrust my hips forward, and I penetrated into her soft, wet, warm, and VERY tight hole.
I had to press in with force, and as I did Julia’s blue eyes bulged and she gasped. The pleasure I felt was no less intense, her tightness engulfing me and making my eyes roll into my head. My heart pounded as my breathing grew heavy. I slid in deeper, feeling every tentacle that she had coil about my body, clutching me less in domination and more to brace herself from the intense pleasure of the penetration of my hard manhood. The feeling of my head and shaft sliding against her smooth, tight walls made the throb, and clench squeeze her with all my might.
“Oh God, yes!” Julia whispered in my ear in between deep breaths. Her tentacles gushed fluid in tandem with her pussy. “Fuck me, Kurt!”
I thrust in deep, and withdrew, in deep, and withdrew. My rhythm was slow and full, and Julia gushed and squeezed with my every thrust. She pulled my head down into her heaving bosom, and her cleavage pressed against my mouth. I idly licked between her breasts as I thrusted. I tasted her wonderful sweat mingled with sex juice, to our mutual great delight.
It was hard to say at that moment who was more a slave to the sensation, more crazed and eager for sliding of our sexes. I know that if I had stopped, it would not have mattered, for Julia would have fucked me by thrusting herself down upon my enslaved penis in full, enveloping sex. As it was, however, I did not stop thrusting, and I pressed into her fertile womb with conquering aggression.
I fucked my Tentacle waifu with all my might, fucking her with intensity, enjoying her cries even as she enjoyed mine.
My own pleasure grew with hers, and as I was an equal slave to the sensations, my thrusts became more furious and fast. I watched as her tentacles wriggled and vibrated, my waifu reeling from the pleasure that was being done to her sensitive sex by my engorged member.
The pleasure rose in the wave, growing more intense and furious. She raised her voice in cries, and I found my own voice joining hers, and soon the moment came, and we both sang out in joy in near unison.
The powerful orgasms were too much for both of us, and we could only cry and wail as our sexes intertwined and joined in a conspiracy of pleasure, feeding off each other and turning us into mindless howling animals. I pumped my load deep inside if her, making her gasp, and the walls of her vagina pulsed and quaked, pulling even more of my seed from my testicles and into her waiting and eager womb as they poured out sex juice upon me.
As both of us gasped and panted, she smiled at me with shut eyes, letting out a little, satisfied moan. Yet my own heart was racing, and euphoric from this emptying of my desire, I felt only an intense need to show post-coitus affection.
“Oh, Julia!” I moaned, hoarse from my cries of pleasure. I kissed her tendrils with purest adoration, then moved on to blanket her face with kisses as Julia giggled triumphantly. “I can’t believe I ever thought of anyone but you!”
“It’s okay,” she said with a smile. “We Tentacles are an acquired taste, after all.”
“You taste heavenly,” I said, kissing her reverently.
We cuddled up together again, my arms hugging her as tightly as her outreaching tendrils did to me. In this blanket of warmth and joy, the two of us settled in to a long, and wonderful sleep. The first of many.
Until her tentacles woke me up again, at least…
It was Friday, and another work week was done. I locked my computer and stood, putting on my jacket. Date night was here, and I sighed wistfully.