To make sense of it all
A lot of things have happened, and like any good micro e-celeb, I have to add one more missive my self-indulgent meltdown. I am still trying to distill what I did, but I promise I’m not going to keep dragging this out. I want this to be over soon. Let me just confess what I believe.
Firstly, I want to say that the archives are gone. I have removed as much of the stories as I can from the web, and from my personal archives. Initially I had written that I was going to keep the stories private, but on consideration I have decided that I can’t, and I shall explain why.
I have come to believe that pornography is a sin, and lust is a sin. Moreover, they are an empty path. They don’t lead to happiness, because they are ephemeral. It may sound trite, but the way to happiness lies elsewhere. I don’t say this to damn anyone, or make anyone feel bad. I say it to explain, and even to encourage a change. I hope that we may all be coaxed by God to agree with this sentiment one day.
Because it is God who coaxes us to realization, and God who helps us overcome our weaknesses. My realization came when I actually read a book of my faith one Sunday afternoon, and realized what it actually said. I was not living the faith I professed. I could have just shut the book and mumbled a prayer for forgiveness, but I didn’t. I changed, even though it was daunting. It hurt and still hurts at times, but I am the better for it.
Incidentally, don’t blame Jesus for any of this. This mess is 100% on me. I wrote an erotica story at first to see if I could do it, then I became addicted to hearing people tell me that I wrote well. And all I ever wanted was to be told I was a good writer. My chief sin was not lust, it was pride. I poured my cleverness, my wit, and sadly my impurity into my writing, all to hear one or two comments that I did a good job. Was it worth it? No. I wish I had not done this. But do NOT take that as a sign that I do not appreciate your comments, or that I don’t appreciate you. I could give a shit about the writings. It is you I care about. The person who read my stuff.
You, dear friend, are a great person. You have a lot to offer the world. You deserve to know God’s love. You don’t need lustful stories. Romantic stories are okay, and comedies, and bawdy stories even. Wholesome writings, writings about men and women and how great and strong they are together, are fantastic. It’s okay to love love, but I feel it is wrong to surrender to lust.
My great fear is that I have led some of you to sin, or caused some of you to sin, through what I wrote. Maybe this is lunacy, or I am overwrought in my estimation of what I was capable of, but it is why my plea remains: do not read my stuff. I cannot obliterate everything I ever wrote; it’s out there, somewhere (and I don’t even know where), and I fear it always will be. But my plea is that you ignore it. Forget about those writings, and forget spidernon. Forgive me for the wrongs I have done you. And I hope in God that by His works He will reach each of us, and touch our hearts, and kindle in us a true joy in Him.
I know I have an out-moded sense of how important I was, but even if I caused one person to go astray, I ask that person to turn away from that path. Please.
May God bless you all, (and hopefully I don’t keep writing these farewell notes)
Spidernon
PS. Victor is still sorting through all of this, so it’s going to take a while for him to get going on new things.
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